Really, though, I can worry about money with the best of them. I am always looking for new and innovative ways. For instance, when selling a house, did you know you can worry about how much a potential offer will be reduced after an inspection finds a few things wrong? Did you know you can worry about it before you’ve even had an offer on the house? Or when your house isn’t even on the market yet? Yes, it’s true. This is the kind of leading-edge worry research that I have done for you, my reader.
The biggest benefactor of this worry research has been my wife. She has seen first hand how I have pushed the envelope in worry technology. Many times she has heard me bemoan about how much something will cost and if we will have enough money. Things like college. And cars. And toothpaste in the year 2032. She has been invaluable in helping me push the boundaries of worry, often adding helpful comments such as “Please stop worrying about how much it will cost to replace the door knob” and “I know the price of premium gas went up, but your car doesn’t take premium.” It is with insights like these that I have been able to continue advancing worry study for years.
Me: I’d like to go back to sleep now.
Brain: Did the cell phone bill get paid?
Me: Yes, I checked last night. Now shush so we can sleep.
Brain: Wait, the deck needs some repairs, where are we getting that money?
Me: I don’t know, let’s figure it out in the morning.
Brain: No, it’s too late then. Let’s do some complex financial calculations with the checking account and your next ten paychecks.
Me: Why? Can’t we just go to sleep? It’s 3:25 AM.
Brain: What?! There’s only three hours until we get up! We have to figure out how to increase retirement contributions before then.
Me: What? Why now?
Brain: Why do you keep asking these silly questions? Your worrying has really been suffering lately. Do you need to get more rest?
However, worrying has some side benefits of which not many people are aware. For instance, you can get so worried at times that your heart begins to race and you get sweaty and a bit achy. Those are all symptoms of a good, hard cardio workout. So, without even having to leave the comfort of your chair, you, too, can start a worry-related exercise regimen. Also, as you begin to practice your worrying skills, you can start to chain different worries together. Worrying about the car payment can lead you to worrying about how you will afford a new car if this one dies on you, which can lead you to worrying about how you will afford college in a few years, which can lead to worrying about the kids being able to find jobs once they graduate from college and if their kids will then be able to afford college in 30 years. As you become more talented in chaining, you will get to the point of worrying about when the sun will run out of fuel and go supernova, and how much a new car will cost then. Chaining works in reverse, too. If you worry about a choice you made at work today, it can then make you think about something you said to your boss last year, which leads to a worry about the paste you ate on the first day of Kindergarten. That, of course, creates a natural path to worry if the beginning of the universe really worked out like it should have. Do you see now the philosophical and scientific study worrying can lead to? There are some graduate schools considering giving credit for proven worry study.
While I acknowledge that too much worrying can be a bad thing for you (everything in moderation), it is sometimes difficult to recognize the thin line between too much and...whatever comes before that. I haven’t seen that side of the line in years. Like looking at the horizon when you are on a ship at sea. You can see it in the distance, but it never seems to get any closer. But, I continue to innovate worry for the good of mankind. If we can advance our knowledge of worrying as far as possible while still here on this planet, imagine what we can do once we head out to the stars one day. We can spread our worry of car payments and toiletry costs throughout the galaxy. And knowing I had a small part in that helps me to sleep at night. Well, until I remember the deck needs some work.