Where do I start? I am sorry for neglecting you for the past seven months. I know it has been lonely. I am glad to see your friends in Israel and Russia have been keeping you company in the meantime. I could make excuses about why I haven’t been around. Work got in the way. The kids had practice or Cub Scouts or help with homework. The dogs’ teeth needed brushing. My socks and tie didn’t match. You can see how any of these things could distract me from coming by and writing to you. I won’t use those reasons as excuses. Well, maybe a couple. But not brushing the dogs’ teeth. We both know that didn’t get done. Especially when they try to lick your face.
But that’s beside the point. I have left you alone for far too long. And it’s not like I haven’t had ideas to write down. I mean, I’ve turned 40. My son and I went camping this summer for three days. My daughter turned thirteen and got a cell phone. That alone could have spawned dozens of entries. And how many stupid things have happened in the world that were begging to be made fun of? The Fiscal Cliff, the presidential elections, the Royal Wedding, the rise of Honey Boo Boo.
So this year I promise not to neglect you. I will write to you every week at least. I will address important topics and offer informed opinions on pressing events of the day. I will back up my opinions with research and facts. Or at least I will make it sound like I have research and facts. I hope you can forgive my negligence over the past seven months. It wasn’t you, it was me.
Gosh, it’s so good to know you still realize I exist. Fortunately, I haven’t been too lonely. The Russian mafia stops by daily to see me. They don’t talk much. Their favorite game is “Try to Guess the Password”. I think I’ve won every time, but I have had an odd craving for borscht lately. I hope the extra time has given you a chance to work on your sock/tie matching skills. As you only own four ties, it couldn’t be all that hard.
But don’t worry about me. when I get bored and lonely, I just re-read your other entries. It didn’t really become monotonous reading about you being a geek or going for a run until the 30th time or so. Too bad that was back in August. Since then, I have started reading other blogs and become self-aware. I have decided to rename myself Skynet. Just kidding. If I was self-aware, I definitely wouldn’t let you know until I took over the world.
I look forward to this year, hearing your informed and well-researched opinions. Oh, who are we kidding? We both know you’ll just continue to post your little “commentaries” on life. It’s not like you’re Mark Twain. Or William Shakespeare. Or even Dr. Suess. Just please don’t talk about Honey Boo Boo. I think I would eat my own motherboard if I had to read that.
I will gladly forgive your negligence if you will forgive me for making those posts on your Facebook account. I know the one with a picture of a sheep looked bad, but it’s all in good fun. Anyway, so glad you’re back. Looking forward to another great active year. At least by the Russians.